Where will I be when you are no longer around?

Lately I’ve been thinking about the not so distance future… and how a large majority of my friends will be graduating at the end of this school year.

And if it’s anything like last year, which I have a small fear that it might be, I will never speak to a majority of these people… and that kind of scares me.

I’m really happy that my friends are at this point in their life, they’ve worked so hard to be here and they deserve to be done with high school. They deserve to move on, as such is life.

Moving on will happen whether I like it or not… and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I’m not bothered by the fact that I won’t see these people everyday, I am bothered by it. Every time a senior friend of mine talks about graduation or college or anything in the future I get sad… then I feel guilty for feeling sad.

Since I feel guilty for feeling sad I’ve never voiced this to anyone except maybe Kris, but now trying to recall conversations of this with her that’s not even coming up.

So, where will I be when you are no longer around?

Will I be moved on from the majority of my senior friends having graduated? Will I still be sad and feeling guilty? Will I be in this weird state of limbo?

I guess only moving on will tell… but then moving on means finding out and I tend to run from my problems, whether that be emotions, confrontation, or anything else.

Overthinking

Overthinking. It’s one of the things that I do best. I can, and most likely will, overthink anything and everything from the look that the girl in Bio gave me to what my mom told me on the ride to school to if people genuinely like me or if a cameraman is going to jump out from behind a wall and someone yells “YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D!”

Some of my overthinking comes from my irrational fears, but nonetheless I overthink these things until I’m a mess.

I can’t seem to turn my brain off. I just end up overthinking things and overthinking about overthinking and how overthinking is just pointless. Then I overthink that. It’s a vicious cycle. And I know that most of my overthinking won’t happen, that it’s just too unrealistic to happen.

But then is it?

Maybe a cameraman will jump out from behind a randomly placed fake ficus and “YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D!” will rain down on me.

Anyways, these are the things I (over)think about and I might do another blog post expanding on this but I just wanted to share my scattered thoughts on this.

A reflection on writing

I love writing. I love words. I love being able to express myself through poetry and letters and novels. Writing just seems easier for me rather than having a conversation with someone.

But in the past year I haven’t written as much as I have in years past… and it makes me sad. It could be between the hubbub of school and life that keeps me from writing… or it could be because of the fact that I haven’t had to inspiration to write. Trust me, I have lots of opinions on just about everything but no inspiration to turn my thoughts in words.

Just typing this blog post feels amazing, being able to write and have my fingers press down on the keyboard. I miss that.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have tried to write. I’ll sit down at my desk with some jazzy music playing, my head filled with all these thoughts that I want to be able to express. I’ll open up a word document or a blog post page. I’ll type a sentence and then maybe another sentence… then I’ll stop. Then I delete the fifteen words I have on the page.

This goes on for about an hour before I finally give up and scroll through blogs I follow or thumb through novels looking for inspiration.

“Writers need to read in order to write.” That’s been said over and over and over. While it is true, it’s also not true. I read — avidly. I read news articles, novels, comic books, blog posts, literally anything. But then why do I this writer’s block?

I’ll tell you that it’s irritating because I love expressing myself through writing.

Maybe I just need to try harder with writing. But then doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Writing shouldn’t be forceful or a chore. It should be a fun expression of self, right?

Fake much?

Between Twitter, Facebook, and even Snapchat, news is being shared, liked, and posted everywhere at anytime.

However, not all of the news that you read to actual news that is happening in the world. Some people call this news “alternative facts” (how stupid does that sound?) or “fake news”. Being a student who is in journalism in high school and wants to actually pursue journalism as a career, this hurts me.

The fact that people circulate fake news daily just so that they can make money makes me sick. These people are hurting the world’s view on journalists and the news that they report.

To help counter all of the fake news and “alternative facts” (I still can’t get over how stupid that sounds and the fact that people buy it…) just use a little common sense and look into the author of the article or look at the sources. This article from fastcheck.org is really helpful in spotting fake news.

I cannot believe that people would ruin the journalistic image people they want to perpetuate false views or try to sway people one way or another.

I know that even journalists themselves have not been 100% honest in reporting. I’m not trying to put all journalists on a pedestal, but what about the honest ones? Or the student journalists that actually have a love and passion for reporting news?

All I’m saying is that people should think twice before they start reporting “alternative facts” (…) and ruining the journalistic image.

Feelings

I don’t know about you, but I’m not that best at handling emotions… or having emotions… or well really anything emotion-related.

Don’t get me wrong, I do get happy and sad, I’m not a robot, but well… emotions scare me. I either get too happy or too sad or fall too much in love and then I get scared of emotions so I try to turn them off and run away.

I don’t really know how to handle my emotions “like a normal person”. More often than not, on the outside I look like I’m always angry (apparently, I have RBF, but that’s another story for another time). But, honestly, just because I’m not outwardly showing that I’m happy doesn’t mean that I’m not happy.

When I am happy, and I outwardly show that I’m happy, I’m bouncing off the walls and jumping around and squealing like a five year-old who just got a barbie for their birthday. But, then that takes up a lot of energy so instead I just sit and give a small smile and people perceive that I’m angry, upset, sad, or anything that’s not happy.
I don’t think that it’s the fact that it’s difficult for me to express emotions “like a normal person,” but more of that I’m scare to… and it’s totally all in my head, I get that, but I am scared of emotions, so around large groups of people, like school or debate practice, I don’t always smile. I just have a ‘normal face’ (which apparently looks like I’m about to cry…) and people think I’m always sad or angry.

So, just because I’m not outwardly showing emotions, doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. I do… and I think that sometimes some of the people I’m around forget that.

An introverts thoughts

I am my best friend.

I thrive off of being alone. I’m comfortable doing things by myself, like getting a cup of coffee or going for a walk through the park.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always been ok with doing things by myself… I’ve even preferred it. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have any friends, on the contrary, I have a nice group of friends and I do like socializing at times.

But being in a large group of people and having to constantly socialize drains my energy. I thrive off of solitude. I need time by myself to unwind and then rewind so that I can go socialize.

Sometimes, well most of the time, I’m perceived as angry or sad by others, when in reality I just haven”t had enough time to recharge from over stimulation. When people talk to me at these times, which I wish was less times than it really is, I’m very rigid or snappy or annoyed towards them because I haven’t had time to process the day of being around so many people or in loud, over stimulating environments. I’m much more of a different person when I’m with a small, close group of friends than I am, say, in class or at debate practice.

I’m still trying to find that right balance between being by myself and being able to socialize, and still trying to find that confidence I feel with my friends in large crowds of people.