These past couple of months (or past month, I guess…) have been really hard for me with dealing with stuff. I’ve always said that I’m okay and I’m fine but in reality I’m not, and I think a large majority of people have noticed that.
Since the start of the year things haven’t been how I had expected them to be, and it’s both good and bad. Good, because some really good things happened and bad, because along with good things, bad things happened.
And for the past month, I’ve been trying really hard to let go of some of the good and bad things that have happened… and long story short, it involved some feelings where I’ve never felt (and I’m not good with dealing with feelings and emotions) and… well, a person.
To some people, the way I deal with stuff might seem very self destructive (and honestly, it kind of is), but also a little part of how I deal with stuff, aside from the self destructive things, really does help.
But, one thing that I’ve really been struggling with is letting go… of this person. The sad part about this whole situation is that I let myself be happy based on this person (it’s sad, not necessarily a bad thing though). It’s sad because I never thought I would let myself have someone dictate how much I feel, and not necessarily about that person, but about really everything. It’s sad because, even though (in the grand scheme of things) the time that they were in my life was very short, I still let myself feel so strongly about them as I did. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but now that I can’t feel that way about them, that’s what makes me sad. (I think that’s what I’m trying to say.) (Also, side note: This person is still in my life, but not in the way that I wanted them to be in… I think that I’m still glad that they are in my life, but it’s also bittersweet.)
So in the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying very hard to let go of this person. But, every time that I seem to, a little piece of me seems to stop me from letting them go and I get sad and hurt again. I’m not sure what that’s trying to tell me, but it’s starting to really mess with me. So with this, some people might not feel that I am working on letting this person go in the way that needs to be done, but rather still trying to cling to them (or whatever people might think). And, that’s not what I want to do.
I think that some of what I’ve been doing to let this person go has been working, but then there’s that small piece of me where I can’t seem to. I don’t know if it’s subconscious or whatever it is, but I really am trying. It’s just very difficult for me to do so because of how bad I am at dealing with feelings and emotions and all of that.
But, all I can really do is take it one step at a time. This person seems to have made it clear that they’ve let me go (in the sense that I’m talking about), so in reality, I shouldn’t let them have that control over how to feel. (Should I have let them have the control over how I feel in the first place? Well, that’s for another time…)
Anyhow, I’ll probably write more about this and related topics, because it’s seemed to really help.