When I was a kid, I loved to play with building blocks. I loved building tall towers and I hated knocking down my architectural masterpiece… and that love for building walls has stuck with me throughout the years. I build walls between myself and people who I should be to closet with… and it’s not fair to me or the other people, I know.
I guess you could say that I have a fear of getting close to people, and letting them inside my head, letting them know the way I think. I’m only really close with my best friend, Kristine, and that took a lot of guts for me to get as close as I am with her… and I still haven’t told her everything.
I’m also terrified of talking with people, and letting them hear my thoughts. If I could just go around writing blog posts or poems and hand them out to people when they ask me about my thoughts, I would. No doubt. So, when someone asks me ‘What are you thinking?’ I clam up, my heart starts racing, and the only three words I can think of are ‘I don’t know.’ (But I do know, I just can’t convey them in coherent sentences.)
I don’t think I clam up like that because I’m shy, I actually do love meeting new people. I think I do that because letting someone hear my thoughts it so personal to me, and I build up so many walls between me and my friends, significant others, and family that it’s really difficult for me to tear them down and just lay everything on the table.
I’ve been trying to tear those walls down so that I don’t lose people who I care about. I feel that people think I’m flat, that I don’t really think much, but I do, it’s just that I don’t know how to convey those thoughts to another person. And when I do, it takes a lot of guts for me to do that, and I’m terrified shitless when I get close to other people and tell them my thoughts.